A shift in focus.
Few events in life can shift one’s perspectives and priorities like becoming a parent can. Some say this shift can come the moment you find out you’re going to be a parent, others say it takes a while; for me, it’s been the latter. Nine months of anticipation and preparation, followed by nine months of humility and determination, have certainly made their impact.
I’m a firm believer in the idea that your focus determines your reality. This is not to say you can magically will the terrible parts of life out of existence, or that you should put blinders on to anything but those things that bring you joy, but we are, to a degree, the architects of our own lives.
The present moment is all we have, and, for too long, I allowed my focus in that moment to be consumed by regret from the past, or fear of the future — no longer. I’ve learned there power in a simple shift in acknowledging the bad, while focusing on moving forward.
This concept surrounds the focus of the moment; how we choose to focus our attention in the only time we have — now. That said, I’ve adapted it to serve a longer-term idea of how all of those moments make a larger whole.
Since I learned I was going to be a father — a time that paradoxically feels like yesterday and eons ago at the same time — my focus began to shift. No longer were my main concerns and ambitions limited to the lives my wife and I were living; we now had another to consider. I began to see subtle shifts in how I looked at the world, how I spent my time, and where I chose to spend my energy. It began when I asked my wife to marry me, but it was truly ignited the day I learned what, or who, was to come.
Let’s be honest.
This reflection is an honest one. I make no claims the past nine months have been nothing but tickles and giggles. There have been moments of stress beyond anything I had known possible. There have been moments of frustration that threatened to rip right through my skin. There have been moments where I was lost and doubted every facet of my adult self. Were it not for my wife, those moments would have been far more frequent and overwhelming than they were — it is upon her that I lean. This time of the red-faced and inconsolable mini-me is undoubtedly her arena; I am but a bumbling assistant, doing my best not to get fired.
It is on the future — both near and far — upon which my focus now lies. This focus is not limited to my son, his development, his safety, and his education, either.
My future self.
The thing I had been told, yet couldn’t truly know until experiencing it myself, is the realization that development in oneself is as important as the development we nourish in our children. Who I work to become, and where I choose to focus my time and energy, is the most important investment I could possibly make. It’s the example I set for my son; it’s the skills I develop to help him along; it’s the man that stands behind his wife in all she does; it’s the future self I focus on. This focus ensures I’ll be ready when they need me — no matter what life throws at us.
Some may choose a different perspective. The anxiety in me fights constantly to shift my reality to one of fear, uncertainty, and self-doubt. This has been a daily battle my entire life, but it is one I’ve learned is worth fighting. I’ve learned I’m usually able to shift my focus to the work that’s needed in the moment. Those fears and doubts remain — indeed they are a near constant internal chatter — but they are not my focus. I no longer have the luxury of allowing my reality to be determined by anyone but my best self.
I have work to do.
While my wife leads this circus of diaper explosions, sleepless nights, and teething pain, I continue to do my best to be useful. For those times she takes the reins, I have my own work to do. My focus determines my reality, and that focus has shifted to one of investing in both my family and myself.
Today, I focus on working hard for the results my family will need. My focus lies firmly on doing everything I can to ensure I’m the type of man who can look his son in the eye and have no doubts about what he sees in me.
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